Inside My Head

This is a poem I wrote when I was around 14 or 15 years old. I have edited it a little here, but I wanted to keep it as close to the original as I could.

Inside my head,
There’s a perfect world
A world I created,
The world I love.
It’s better than the one I actually live in,
I wish I could live inside my imagination.
Instead of in this,
Most horrible of worlds.
Inside my head,
Anything can happen,
Good or bad,
Nice or not.
But you see, it’s all mine,
You can’t ruin it.
Because you will never find it,
It’s inside my head
And that’s where it will stay.

Slipping

I can feel myself slipping
Wth nothing to do
And nothing to focus on
All the bad things come back

Once I start working again,
It will all be ok, won’t it?
I just need something to do
A project to keep my mind busy

It’s so easy to fall
When all you’re doing is killing time
Between different projects
A lull in your life

With no physical activity
Or mental exercise to speak of
My mind races with all the mistakes
Or regrets I should have

But the fact is, I am happy
Even though things seem blank right now
And my mind is preparing for a war
I know I won’t slip and fall this time
Because I fought and won before.

Hiding

I’m 26 now,
But sometimes I am still that 15 year old girl,
Who couldn’t breathe at the thought,
Of having to stand up in front of class
With every face turned towards me.
They’d listen politely,
Like they were taught to do.
But none of them would really hear me,
Or see me properly,
Because I’m hiding behind a mask
I’ve been perfecting for you all.

So I may be 26 now,
But that mask still gets used sometimes.
Because people still don’t really hear me,
And they can say it’s because I don’t have experience,
And I’ll say it’s because I’m a woman.
And sometimes that might be true.
But maybe they are not to blame,
Maybe it’s just because I became too good at hiding,
And not good enough at just being me.

You Matter

untitled

Sometimes the world isn’t pretty,

But that’s ok

Just know that for all those dark days,

I am here.

 

You are never alone,

I will always be here to listen,

I may be far away,

But I will always care.

 

Because this life can get messy,

And we all need those friends,

Who will stand by your side,

And never give up on you.

 

People can be cruel.

They say things that hurt,

But I want to help you heal,

So you can help others.

 

Your voice was not meant to be locked away,

So don’t let them shut you out,

You matter in this world,

I won’t let you forget that.

Broken Pieces

I’m not as broken as I used to be
I still have a shattered heart,
But lately it hasn’t felt as sharp
Slowly it’s moulding back together.

There’s no one else in the picture
I’ve just learnt how to put myself back together
So maybe the next time it gets broken
It might not hurt so much.

I hope that one day all these scars will fade
And I’ll know then I’m where I belong
But until that day comes along
I’ll keep mending my broken pieces.

Real Picture

Hidden Feelings Apple
Pushed around like dirt,
I went somewhere dark,
To a place no-one else could see,
Hidden deep behind my eyes.

A smile can tell you everything,
That you want to hear,
A million little lies,
All carefully concealing truth.

I kept my head down,
Went through the motions,
Of yet another blurred day,
To keep you all happy.

I never noticed it then,
How much i came to hate you,
For not seeing all my pain,
Through the clever lies.

Now I know it wasn’t your fault,
I made the picture believable,
And you wanted to believe it,
To not see the broken me.

It’s my own curse,
To not be able to show,
Exactly how dark things can get,
To always have to smile.

Beaten and bruised once more,
I’m still saying ‘I’m fine’,
And you still believe me,
And all my clever lies.

Someday I will learn,
Then you will see the real picture,
The one shattered into tiny pieces,
Broken but trying to stay whole.

Until that day I will smile,
And you’ll go on believing,
Because neither of us want to admit,
That I might not be ok.

Ok Tomorrow

Maybe there is something wrong with me,
Maybe those girls where right all along,
And they were just trying to help me see,
How unimportant I really can be.

On a good day I wouldn’t say this,
But today everything is dark,
I’ve been hurt and I’m struggling,
With all the pain rising to the surface.

This is what I get for pretending,
That everything is ok for far too long,
People keep telling me this,
But I never listen.

How am I supposed to share with people,
When I know how it will crush them,
I don’t want to see those sad faces,
Or the pity in their eyes.

I can and will deal with this alone,
Because I know from the past how strong I am,
And I know it’s ok to have a weak day,
Because I know I will be ok
Tomorrow